Don’t Ask Me if I’m OK

Don’t ask me if I’m ok because I’m not.  I’m a black man in amerikkka who is hunted and misjudged daily. But this time of year in particular I’m a ball of emotions just trying to survive my wounds. I call this time of year the crying simgres-8eason. Fall to early winter all the holiday stuff stirs up a lot of family pain. There is a well of tears I still carry from being poor, black,trans,and queer. Sadness I can’t shake because my family is so distant from me physically and emotionally. Sadness, frustrations,and feelings of  failure cause I cant seem to find my way back to them (and I’m sure if they want me there anymore). Sadness I repress or work around most of the year. Then fall comes  and it rises to the surface all my conflicted feelings around feeling pushed out of black organizing spaces,my original faith, and family communities simply for living my truth overwhelms me.
For the past few years I’ve been trying to reconnect to family and childhood friends. 4x this year people said they wanted to meet up and reconnect then when the time came they disappeared stopped answering messages. I think they just couldn’t handle meimages-12eting the man I am today. That’s their choice I can’t force people to accept me or to want to be apart of my life but to get my hopes up again and leave me hanging was kinda devastating. I want to push those who have been chosen family and great friends away cause I feel the need for them and the absence of my blood peeps the most during this time. Fears of abandonment cause me to hide and make me hella grouchy.
Healing is a process and though I know I’ve come  far sometimes my wounds are ripped open again and I feel shame for feeling these pains. It’s hard watching so many people have children and I still have none. Every year the reality that I probably will never be able to have children with my DNA grows heavier. Makes me feel weak cursed and less than. Honestly I’m worried for my heart. I love children so much but now when i see families sometimes Jealousy, anger, and bitterness rises.
I have high functioning chronic depression and this time of year  the internal fight for my life intensifies. Daily searching for reasons not to give up . Don’t ask me if I’m OK cause imgres-9I’m not. Ask  me over for a home cooked meal or to giggle to cartoons. Take me to nature. Send an encouraging message from Time to time. Understand when I can’t find the strength to come to your family functions alone(but don’t stop inviting me). These are all things I do for people I care for when they allow me the opportunity. If you can’t do those things that’s cool too just don’t ask me if I’m OK when you see me. Just say hi.This maybe TMI for some but I’m just trying to get better by expressing the hardest things to express. I appreciate my chosen family and friends its just a hard time of year.
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Let Our Love

Nestled in the glow of our brown tones side by side,  Her curls ticked my nose, the softness of her cheeks warm my body. With her fists she gently beats on my chest and whispers “I just don’t want to be here anymore.”Had to pull her closer as my body silently rang back… “Me neither.”

I’ve held too many people as they weep for their lives. Thirsty for a reason to stay. Silently screaming. Floating on smiles saying “I’m fine” while everything within wants to die.

images

If you didn’t hear me  before please hear me now. We need you. Please love please don’t go!  Let’s make our love everything we need to survive.

Let’s love like we’re our own life rafts
built to survive the moments when the waves of sadness come crashing down. Just Let our love. Even when the weight of the world shallows our breaths and bends our backs into prayers and depression. We will find the strength to stand again through the doors unlocked by the moans of our sex magic. Let our love as our bodies collide, sing, and stir divinity together.

Let’s love like we’re our own foundation rooted in the beauty sparked
when our minds touch. My body aches to hear you speak in the moments when we merge. Let our love be our favorite melody in the key of healing. Soothing Restoring Creativity. Please don’t rob me of the freedom I feel when you sing to me. Just let our love carry us like the clever sting of a good read with the power of sharp words.

Love, please hear me now. I need you to survive.
I’ve held too many people as they weep for their lives. Thirsty for a reason to stay. Silently screaming. Floating on smiles saying “I’m fine”  while everything within wants to die.  Love please don’t go. Let’s be everything we need to survive.

FreshRootbeer

Full Moon in Pieces got me all in my feelings.

Was telling her how much I miss her and this happened…

I can’t wait to kiss your lips and hold you close

feel you relax in my arms

In those moments we merge.

and its an honor being your safe space.

I don’t mind getting lost in you from time to time

My heart needs a regular dose.

Let me escape within our bond.

I need to escape into our love

It reminds some of the most broken parts of me

theres no healer like our black queer love

Theres no love like the melodies I feel in the arms of you…

a beautiful Black Womyn.

We are fun and around the way like FreshRootbeer

Country and comforting like Pickled Okra

Quirky and Dorky like GumbBall Cartoons.

Can’t wait to celebrate our love in person again soon.

Dear Sister

To the force known as Kokumo Kinetic

Forgive me for never writing of my love and appreciation for you while I could still see you.

I miss you

I miss you so much

and I think of your smile and insight often.

Words can’t express how not knowing where

or how you are

leaves a void in my heart.

I pray you are well

somewhere safe

living life in that dynamic way

that captivates so many

and counts me among those called blessed

cause I had the chance to laugh, love, and struggle with you.

More importantly I pray you will return to me one day.

#MyLoveDon’tStopCauseYoureGone.

#blacktranseverything

Sip Drink Taste Your Love

Don’t make it difficult for me to worship

love’s honorable chore

I just want to worship you

Can I sip your juices ?

Wade in your waters?

Savor your flavor?

Don’t make it difficult for me to worship

You stir up hunger in me

Lay down and spread em

Allow me to satisfy my hunger at your alter

your are what you eat

I just want to taste you

Thank you with my tongue

Massage my face with the

Bush along the gates of heaven

Partake of the bliss between your thighs

I just want to worship you

Breath in a new vibration

Through you

Breath with you until

You are we

Allow me to worship you

Bless me

Just let me

Sip Drink Taste your love